only the lonely

I'm having a tough night emotionally. I performed at the high end of my allowed 500 calories, but that is not what is bothering me. I am sappy and sad and wishing I had some sort of soulmate (not a romantic person, mind you...a deep friend with whom to share all of this and live and breathe inside my life) to bounce a smile or laugh to every so often.

I have a very exciting year ahead of me, with lots of new horizons outside my eating disorder. Thing is, I just want a hug some nights. I live alone, and have very few close friends (2 to be truthful, and they must take an airplane to see me). My family are nearly gone, and I live the loneliest of existences, even when my disease is happiest with me.

I am ever so grateful for my blessings. In this day and age of lay-offs and losing houses, etc... I have been relatively untouched economically. I do work very hard for what I have, but I find myself giving into the disease and her negativity. The pall obscures all joy from every accomplishment I achieve. I am well respected in my position, and have an outstanding reputation in my field. Put it this way, I am my own hero minus my body fat. And that one flaw I choose to dwell upon as the one definitive characteristic of who I am.