And you can tell everybody that this is your song....

It seems I have been here before: been here many many "befores." This is not even my first blog, nor is it my first blog specific to anorexia, eating disorders, nor a sense of bodily loathing so strong that the pull to destroy it remains supreme. Perhaps I will get "it" right this time...whatever the proverbial "it" is now.

Posterity, vanity, some attempt to not go through this alone, all are viable reasons for writing this out rather than keeping it in.

Also, a record of the process, however far and however slim I go is what I desire. I have diaries from the first reaches of this illness tucked away in a filing cabinet. The internet is a much tidier method, I suppose, of leaving the mark of the insanity engulfing my better judgment.

"Let's go on with the show..."

I've been at this for a few months, but not losing weight fast enough. I need to lose 45% of my body weight to be happy. And, I want to do this by the end of the year. By the end of summer is what my head wants. Hey, don't be so shocked. I've done it before, and faster. I'm a weight loss queen when I set my mind and disorder to it. I can restrict with the best of 'em and am patient enough to typically not fall prey to binges and trigger foods. Well, I boast, but in anticipation of my "new" food plan tomorrow, I succumbed to a meal of mashed potatoes, ice cream, soup, chocolate, fruit and cheese. I did follow it up with Fleet laxatives.

I'm still waiting for that to kick in even though I know I ate in that "binge" nothing with cholesterol, trans fats, nor more than 800 calories. Still, that's more than twice what I try to eat in a normal day.

What do I eat in a normal day for me, eh?

Breakfast:

*coffee
*sugar free, fat free creamer
*water
*sugarless chewing gum

Lunch:

*hot tea
*8 ounces of steamed vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower and carrots) with a salt-free seasoning sprinkle
*water

Snack:

*chewing gum
*coffee
*sugar free, fat free creamer

Dinner:

*8 ounces steamed vegetables as at lunch time

it all comes to about 250 calories a day

I do chew and spit at times, but only a couple bites of crisp bread or peanut butter. I have to swish water in my mouth so I can get as much of the oily, fatty bits washed out. It always makes me satisfied, and I have nary an issue from it.

Tonight I am on lock down from food since my binge. It is only 6 pm, but I must consume at least 1 litre of water before bed so as to rid the salt from my body. i have a terrible time with swelling when I've binged or eaten off "the plan."

More later.

Cheers.

Leza