we're just too far away

This is an entry in which I feel I shall come clean.

All control was lost, and has yet to be regained. I've taken to writing hellacious messages in permanent ink on my thighs, so that I may read them when I eliminate all the terrible things I consume. Seemingly overnight (actually nearly 2 months at this point) I gained 20 pounds. I am up a pants size, and teetering closely on another.

I am miserable. My stomach is outstretched, I am retaining water, I make frequent trips to the lavatory, my teeth and throat burn from the binges.

I do not feel human.

I certainly do not feel like me.

And I am bloody well going to stop this.

It's going to take some time this time to get myself in shape...

Well, I've been knocking back the chow for over two weeks in unrelenting fashion. Granted, it's been mostly fat free/extremely low fat, fairly low carb, and cumulatively less than 2000 Kcals per day; but the truth is it's highly unacceptable. I felt I had ballooned to nearly my former weight, but stepping on the scales this morning revealed only a 4 kilo weight gain.

I still am wearing the clothing I just only slimmed back into, and the only price I really paid was a broken complexion, filled-out (I tend to call this "milk-fed") look in the face and joints, and a very very grim look at myself in terms of control.

Lots of salt, whole blocks of fat free cheeses, and popcorn, as well as mashed potatoes with soya cheeses were my vices. Each day I made a vow that it would be the LAST. So familiar to my former eating disorder. "Today is the last day of this binge business. Tomorrow I will fast perfectly once more."

It's all bollocks, excuse the language please.

I know if I mean to meet my goals I MUST stay on track or be dammed.

This isn't lucky that I only gained 4 kilos back from the 20 I had dropped. I could have been 10 kilos lighter had I not gotten off track. And it is not like I enjoyed eating all that food. I was knackered and sore and my mouth hurt. My soul hurt the worst.

Remember this, oh feeble heart. For the sins of your past shall surely catch up once more lest you drop the proverbial ball...down your gullet!

Much love and renewed determination,
L

it's yesterday once more...

I've been binging for days. Basically I am a fat failure. I know I have gained a couple kilos.

Anyway, I had this idea of eating only 10000 kcals in the entire month of April. Well, I've had nearly a fifth of that already. And the horror is I have a great plan to eat, keep the kcals under 300 a day, and still pretty much stay satisfied. It's almost like since I found this "key" I can put it off until tomorrow.

Put it off and I'll weigh more than ever.

White lace and promises...

Well, consider me a fat failure since Friday night until today.

I mostly binged on soya cheese both days, which made my calorific intake beyond 950. My weight has not changed (which is not a good thing, as I need it to get lower by 1 kilo per day). This is at least good on the flip side. I am not larger, but I have more water on my bones, I know it. I neither feel nor look like I am working hard at this. That means I need to work harder.

I am not allowed over 500 calories in a day until at least 1.1.2010. Those are the new rules since I cannot control myself.

I am now cutting my rice cheese portions into thirds.

Here is what I typically will have in a day:

coffee, stevia, non fat, non sweetened, non dairy creamer.....50 calories

2 cups shredded iceberg lettuce with 15 sprays of fat free dressing...........50 calories
non sugared applesauce........................................................................40 calories

2 cups cooked vegetables, non-sodium chicken bouillon packet..............110 calories
sugarless gelatin..................................................................................10 calories
1/3 serving of soya or rice cheese unless it becomes a trigger again.........20 calories

sugarless, fat free cocoa.......................................................................25 calories

one or two of the following as needed....................
another sugarless gelatin.........................................................................10 calories
pickle....................................................................................................20 calories
1 cup air popped popcorn with sodium free spices.....................................15 calories
one cup shredded lettuce with 10 sprays of dressing.................................25 calories

Done.

I must begin the cycle of rapid loss again this week. I feel too warm, and too healthy right now. And when I feel that way I know I am not trying as much as I should.

I need to have off a significantly greater amount of weight before June.

I really should have chewed and spat this weekend. I rebelled against my Ed, and I must pay.

Cheers,
Me

I know I've wasted too much time...

Well, true to form, I binged tonight. I had gone for 7 days eating no more than 500, and mostly 350 kcals per day. Today, i had 240kcals throughout the day, then came home and binged on salad with soya cheese, radishes, salsa, prunes, and raspberries. My total? 1063 kcals for the day. ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE. That is a bigger salad binge than last.

Oh, I forgot 100 kcals of vegetable soup to finish it off.

I have new rules in place. No more coffee. It is causing me to have emergent needs for calories at times when I need to be fasting. So, I will substitute the same amount of kcals I was having in the creamers and simply drink soya milk for 70 kcals a serving. I will pour it over ice to make it last longer, and have it only if I need something more than the sugarless squash.

Then I will continue my vegetables in bouillon suppers. This should keep me at my 350 kcals a day mark from last week's successful numbers.

I had lost another 3 kilos, but who knows after tonight. I am always too much a cowardess to weigh until morning.

See you in the a.m.

Me

Waiting was all my heart could do...

It's been a fairly productive day. I must state a milestone. It was nearly a week ago that I had that awful 700+ calorie binge of salad and soya cheese. I am sort of planning another tomorrow night, over which my head is killing me. I already purchased the items, and they are in the refrigerator. That aside, I've consistently eaten less than 500, and most times 400 Kcals per day since then. It is apparent to everyone in my daily and even tertiary life that I am losing weight significantly.

I'm hearing the familiar ring of, "You must tell me your secret!" "You look good!"

I simply tell them I watch what I eat. I don't actually exercise since my job is so physical. I just work myself to the bone (hopefully literally) and restrict extremely.

Today, for instance, I have eaten less than 300Kcals. Breakfast was skipped due to workload and last night's horrific stomach pains (gas due to the kraut). Lunch was half a single-serving tub of applesauce and a sugar-free gelatin. And supper just now was a sodium-free packet of chicken bouillon, 2 cups of mixed vegetables, and half a can of albacore tuna in water. I've also downed my gelatin vitamins, as well as one slice of radish.

That is it.

I was given high marks at work this day. My boss was very impressed with my performance, and was generous with adulation.

I take it as incentive to work even harder. Of course I do!

Cheers,
Me

stop! oh yes, wait a minute Mr Postman...

Today I was very tired. After yesterday's under 300 Kcals day, I was unable to rise at my expected hour. I barely functioned at my optimum (of course I pulled it out since that is what I do, eh?) for my over 10 hours on the job. My stomach hurt, I had a pounding headache, muscle spasms, and I loved every minute of it.

Why?

Because seven people said I was slimming nicely. It's becoming noticed everywhere there are people who know me. Good. I am doing some publicity tomorrow, and of course this has brought renewed interest in making doubly sure I "behave" until that is complete.

Downward and downward. 345Kcals down today. That is all I plan to have. I have kraut as a reserve just in case. It might be the perfect snack food! High salt, but low low calorific value.

Cheers,
Me

you're the one. you're the one I love....

I'll be honest with you, I don't even care about food anymore. I've had under 265 Kcals today without even trying. I worked another 12 hours, and came home to eat my "rations" only to discover that I really am not hungry, and cannot hold much.

I smell pizzas and hamburgers and other things such as beef stew and really don't absorb them as foods. I have wild cravings, but am so far removed from proper meal eating that the cravings come and go as the sun.

It's a position of power over food that comes when one is truly afflicted. I can speak from experience. I went through the mill with this beast years ago. Basically, I am at the point where it is easy. Eating would be difficult. That is when the disorder becomes the lifestyle, and body and head congress with each other in a dance of danger and darkness.

People at work are calling me skinny minny, even though I have so much more weight to lose. I admit I am losing my curves, especially from the side. No real breasts, no tummy unless I've eaten, and slight shoulders compared to the me my recent life-folk know.

Regards,
Me

i'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in sight...

The insomnia has set in. It's been harder and harder to find sleep. Once there, however, I am capable of remaining on my pillow for as log as my body will allow. Lat night was the first when i could not find sleep, even after an eleven-hour work day. Midnight came and left, and I drifted off, only to awaken around five a.m.

Buckle up, girl. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

we're lost in this masquerade

I am not ok today. Even the rations my disorder allows me to have were difficult to put back over the weekend. I often would dump half of the coffees or vegetables as I ate them. I just couldn't eat. I have this fear of anything being inside of me right now. It's not even rational.

I am losing weight. I am losing weight rapidly enough that even in my overweight state, people are commenting that it is "ridiculous" or "crazy."

But my disorder wants me running on fumes.

Today is difficult. Working is really painful from every cell. My shoulders are tired. My legs are tired. My brain and soul are tired.

for love is surrender...

I'm sitting here having the first calories of the day, and even their meager rations are making me feel bloated, fat, and in danger of gaining 10 pounds at the mere ingestion. The culprit? A cup of coffee with 45 calories of sugar-free creamer. Total, 50 Kcals and I've downed half the cup before feeling freaked out about the rest.

I suppose this is when my rational brain should kick the eating disorder in the pants. Where art thou, oh sensibility?

you've got to fight for your right to party...

Well, I am dropping the weight like I used to...nearly 1 kilogram per day. I started a video blog, but haven't gotten up the nerve to make it available online. I want to remain fairly anonymous at the moment. I'm not proud of this, please understand. I am steeled to my need to get off this fat and get on with my life. But I do understand that my disorder is never going t let me go once I near anything close to my "goal" weight.

It's a risk I feel is worth taking.

Yesterday I didn't have any calories until 1300. I was out shopping, running errands, and away from the house. I finally had a low-calorie energy drink (25 Kcals for the bottle), then felt myself slipping into the red danger zone of passing out. Oh, I had eaten an organic lolly (35 Kcals) earlier. I forgot about that. Anyway, I had a Lara bar in my purse, and took out a bit of it. That of course immediately saved me and I commenced again with the day.

About 1430 I went to a coffee stand but really didn't like the fact that I couldn't control what was in it. I ordered a tall Soya latte with sugar-free cinnamon dolce syrup. I typically put in 2 tablespoons of sugar-free creamer (30 Kcals for the lot), and as much splenda as I need. This was the great unknown. I only managed half of it before I couldn't handle it any more. I threw it in the rubbish bin at the shop.

By the time I arrived home, it was 1630 and nearing time for my "allowed" supper. I never do teas anymore.

I had my bowl of vegetables and sodium-free bouillon, then a couple pickles and called it a day.

All in all, about 385 Kcals were had.

It was plenty despite the activity increase and weekend fear.

Cheers,
L

How to handle a woman, mark me well I will tell you sir...

Well, I've just had a bit of a binge after a day of only 183 Kcals. I came home and made a giant salad with lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, fat-free dressing, and the downfall -- around 3 servings of cheddar cheese shreds (soya milk, mind you). That put my total to over 785 Kcals for the day, including the handful of prunes I ate afterward in order to aid in getting rid of the malady as soon as humanly possible.

That makes two binge days this week of some total in the 700s, with the rest of the days between 300 and 500 Kcals. Not good enough. I'll never pick up this dead-paced loss cycle unless I do something much more restrictive, and less appeasing to my innards.

That is my problem this week. I am paying far too much heed to my stomach than my brain. I know what I need to do and seem not to care that I will endure weeks longer, if not months, to reach my goals by year's end.

That is all for now.

307.1

That is code that some might recognize.

I am writing this despite feeling so weak that I could sleep for a month. I am feeling as if my head is going to explode, and I am going to vomit every last ounce of sugar-free substance ingested this day (including coffee creamers and gelatin snacks).

Each day brings the verbal cheers of my weight loss in my social circle. I am winning. Yet I feel like a loser who now has to have a more calorific day in order to function (from 350 to my now 500 Kcals).

I crave all sorts of foods like fish and chips, cold salads, pizza, chocolates, sandwiches, cakes, and ice cream. None of these foods, even in chemically altered form are allowed on my DIEt.

I recognize now the struggle inside. My history with this monster has left me vulnerable to its pull, and I cannot loose myself from its grasp. I am beginning to truly suffer in my days of mega-work. I work hard, am driven, and work far more than my normal work hours per week. I take tablets for blood sugar correction that require my cells to have a certain amount of energy, especially during the hour following their taking. Yet I don't listen to my body. I carry on as if I have power over biology and God.

And I know I am the loser when I do that.

But I cannot stop.

are we really happy with this lonely game we play?

I did not do well today. I ate 765 calories (400 of which came from nearly downing a bag of mixed, dried fruits). Not good. Not good.

My hands are swollen, and I've lost that feeling of fleeting fullness that comes with eating what I'm allowed.

I have to hope tomorrow is better.

lately I've been staring in the mirror, very slowly picking me apart

I've had a very rotten day in terms of energy.  My menses caused a lot of fatigue, as well as pain and likely calorie burning over the night, leaving me in a rather wan waking state.  No matter.  I merely showered, took many deep breaths, and got ready for work, anxiously awaiting my first allowed coffee and "cream".  

I nearly passed out as I shopped for gelatin at the grocery this afternoon, and opted for a stick of chewing gum and a sugar-free Sprite.

Finally, Ihave had my supper, and am feeling rather like throwing up.

Today's count? 410 Kcals.

Happy St Patrick's Day

to understand the reason why we carry on this way,,,

I got home from work tonight, let out the dogs, and made my final rations of the day: a bowl of steamed vegetables, half a can of albacore tuna in water, and 2 prunes, chased by half a gallon of sugar-free cranberry drink.

I've been holding steady at under 500 Kcals per day.

Ever since dinner, which was had in my room despite living alone, I've been catering to my obsession. Blogs, movies, music, rituals. That is my evening despite being told by my boss today that I was impressive with a deal we are attempting to close.

So, I was impressive at work, yet I delve deeper into my disorder as my reward?

The head says to continue on this course and even tighten the reigns. Stomach not getting small enough fast enough, menses here and causing bloat, despite the calorific lock down, still eating too much.

Do I listen to my accomplished and rational self?

No.

I listen to the destructive voice inside who seeks a slither in at every turn of my emotions.

what a difference you made...

Well, I'm trudging along today. I'm not happy to be menstruating. It began today, and frankly, I am displeased with the swollen abdomen, hips, and overall ennui of it.

Also, I crave protein like a madwoman. I'm contemplating tuna, which is on my "absolutely nots" list. It's a trigger food for me, sure to launch my jowls into swarms of chewing, gasp, swallowing, and gaining weight.

My weight is not nearly where I would have it be at this stage (nearly 3.5 months on an odyssey that is scheduled to end the final week of this year), though my size has lowered to its third drop.

Likely, I am losing muscle faster than fat, which is a concern. I know why this is. Eating less than 500 calories per day on a consistent basis will cause me to conserve fat in muscle tissue, and break down good muscle for fuel.

Smart, eh?

Well, my anorexia head reminds me every day that this will work if I only LISTEN to her.

Take a good look at me...

I've always put a great deal of pressure on myself to work hard, accept no excuses, never be idle, and fear the great unknown of the dreaded times when I have no goal with which to beat my brains. Once a goal is met, another, or another ten must swiftly sweep in and replace it lest seven minutes sans earnest effort cause a lapse in control.

I am now beginning to feel the effects of the hunger on my constitution. More than ample sleep is needed, and slumber can be extended indefinitely once within. Falling asleep is the challenge. Insomnia is the bedfellow of all things restriction. Not only do I remain awake because of the fighting and "flighting" inside my cells, but the constant dialogue my head must keep in order for my behavior to meet her stringent expectations.

I have wonderful plans for this evening, and I sit here wishing I had not made them, firing salvos at my folly for even spending the preliminary funds on the whole thing. my wish is to remain home, entrapped, enslaved, and euphoric. We shall see if I am able to break free from the reigns and enjoy a solitary event that does not even present a food war.

My rituals are increasing. I have a "magic" bowl that is the only bowl from which I will eat at home. The shallow walls allow for less food to seem as more as I pine for more than the paltry rations supplied by my commander. The sound of the fork tines against the bisque walls of the rim offer comfort as the simple serving diminishes, becomes a cue to my body to awaken, and a reminder by my disorder that I should be grateful someone as fat as I is even allowed to eat at all.

As the meal ends, the design revealed is whimsical. Sometimes the pattern seems a nasty chide to my gluttony. Other times the print represents a visual reminder of something with greater levity -- the silliness of all this fasting and wasting.

With my education and career, why in the world would I ever think so little of myself as to let this monster back into my life?

It is a question, to be sure.

It's yesterday once more...

I didn't write at all yesterday. I was doing well until the evening, when I forgot about the new chewing and spitting and simply gorged myself on popcorn and vegetables and fruits until I was going to pop. And then I ate soup with cheese until I had to physically stop. Thing is, I'm thinner today than yesterday.

I worked today, and my coworker asked me point blank if I am starving myself, and proceeded to tell me exactly why she thought that. I denied it, and probably did worse of a job than if I had just said I was not. I went on and on about the foods I was eating. She had brought me a bagel, and I pretended rather badly to eat bits of it, finally giving up and saying I was saving it for tomorrow's breakfast.

Ah well.

I'm out of practise with the whole cover-up bit.

only the lonely

I'm having a tough night emotionally. I performed at the high end of my allowed 500 calories, but that is not what is bothering me. I am sappy and sad and wishing I had some sort of soulmate (not a romantic person, mind you...a deep friend with whom to share all of this and live and breathe inside my life) to bounce a smile or laugh to every so often.

I have a very exciting year ahead of me, with lots of new horizons outside my eating disorder. Thing is, I just want a hug some nights. I live alone, and have very few close friends (2 to be truthful, and they must take an airplane to see me). My family are nearly gone, and I live the loneliest of existences, even when my disease is happiest with me.

I am ever so grateful for my blessings. In this day and age of lay-offs and losing houses, etc... I have been relatively untouched economically. I do work very hard for what I have, but I find myself giving into the disease and her negativity. The pall obscures all joy from every accomplishment I achieve. I am well respected in my position, and have an outstanding reputation in my field. Put it this way, I am my own hero minus my body fat. And that one flaw I choose to dwell upon as the one definitive characteristic of who I am.

I'm a girl with many wishes

After last night's saving grace of not consuming anything calorific and crazy, I awoke to a very weak head and that familiar pulling sensation in the belly that typically signals one of two things: either I am about to rapidly begin losing weight, or I need to limit the caffeine consumption.

I did have a single, ultra light smoke yesterday on the way home from work. That could have been the nasty culprit. I don't usually like smoking, as it interferes with my singing; but at first puff it was lovely.

I really, really am glad I did not have a binge last night. Something just clicked in me (or perhaps it was my red bracelet of "hope") not to swallow the lot.

Anyway, that is it for this morning.

Cheers.

I bet you didn't sleep good last night

Grammatical errors aside in my title quote, it's been a great night. I decided to put something into big practice that I've only recently played with. I used to do it a bit, but I've usually just binged away if tempted.

Tonight I spent an hour chewing/sloshing and spitting soups, waffles, candy bars, protein bars, and pasta. I was too scared to put things in my mouth that I wouldn't normally eat in a restricted quantity (such as peanut butter or cheese). So, I have emerged after carefully making sure each slosh including remnants went down the drain. My body has not suffered, and my brain is satisfied.

I've already done this at work a couple times with hummus and crackers, but this was wholly satisfying and I am spent...without actually having to accept the food into my stomach and expel it.

It felt foreign to hold such calorie-rich foods on my tongue (had I eaten the lot, I would have consumed roughly 800 calories). I imagine I barely absorbed 30 since I didn't allow the food in my mouth for long.

I know the saliva assists in more rapid digestion even in the mouth, which was why I kept water flowing in and out of my mouth as much as possible.

Thank goodness for this.

take that look off your face...

To be truthful, I am having a grand ole time with this restriction in a lot of ways. True, my stomach feels like battery acid, even with omeprazole daily, and the hunger can knock me sideways at times; but my self confidence is soaring. I feel as if I'm accomplishing things. At least I am doing something about it or whatever.

Today I did not bring the jello plus vegetables for lunch, as I felt I was too reliant and greedy yesterday when I gobbled up every last morsel of both. There needs to be some measure of emptiness and wanting for this to keep me in my place, right? Otherwise my body and brain will adjust, settle in for the long haul, and make for a much tougher...haul.

Settling in is the worst thing one can do when slimming. Complacency is the hobgoblin of all things productive.

All for now.

Cheers,

L

you needed me...

Well, last week's transgressions have been appeased in part. My weight is the same as before my two days of tractal terror. I had not noticed it sliding downward due to the rather out-of-control feelings I experienced with the abundance of vegetables cooked and eaten on my plates. I should correct that -- I never eat from a plate. I eat from green salad bowls that are the least fancy thing I own. Something about their simplicity makes me feel as if I'm getting away with not having to go through the charade of normalcy.

I recognize that as a ritual. I have had many such rituals in my career of eating disorders.

I used to only allow myself a salad fork, feeling it would provide extra bites. Now, I want the food gone as fast as it can be swallowed -- especially the food I am allowed to eat. I don't want to think about the fact that I must pollute my body in order to work and pay the bills, etc...

I eat with the largest fork I can find. I drink gulp after gulp of sugar-free water drinks, and take stool softeners so as to be rid of the bloat as soon as my body can process it.

I was hooked on laxatives for over two years once. I overdosed a few times and it was the most disgusting thing you ever imagined: me, lying in a slump on the washroom tile, vomit all over the place, unable to control my bowels.

I would awaken from some of those episodes on a mattress completely soiled from sometime in the night. I never ate things like ice cream or pizza or chocolates. I would always have five or six soups, or a loaf of bread with mustard, or a can of corn and beans...all things that were not really bad for me. I thought of myself as the human eating and wasting machine. All I did was plan my classes and drives around where I could find the nearest lavatory.

As a result, my gut is stubborn. It was fine up until the turn of the year, when all this began again. Now that I actually eat no fat in my diet, one would surmise my gut would spend her riches in fast fashion. Not so. I go nearly a week without so much as a gurgle. Hence the stool softeners.

All for now.

Cheers,

L

brown paper packages, tied up with strings

Oh blow it. I've decided to try sugar-free Jell-O for lunch tomorrow. I used to eat that a lot since it's only 40 calories or so if you eat the entire container.

Ta

you put me high up on a pedestal

I can't help stressing over eating more saurkraut tonight after my vegetables. So, I perused the world wide web and found this: (mind you I think it's bunkum):
List of Negative Calorie Foods:
asparagus
beet
broccoli
green cabbage
carrot
cauliflower
celery root
celery
chicory
hot chili peppers
cucumber
dandelion
endive
garden cress
garlic
green beans
zucchini

Supposedly, it takes more energy to digest these foods than the calories they contain. Um, if you eat 4 cucumbers, you're going to eat more calories than you can burn just by digesting them, eh?

Proceed with caution. If it walks like a farce, talks like a farce, and sounds like a farce...well, you know the rest.

I knew before...

Today has been one of sort of getting back on track mostly. I was losing control and having an extra soup or portion of vegetables the past couple of days, which would trigger me into a bit of a binge. I gained back a quarter of the weight I had lost since the turn of the year, and was generally feeling like I was never going to steer this body to purity.

But today was fairly obedient. I typically lose it after my supper. I end up just not feeling satisfied and act out against THE RULES. Today, I've gotten myself accustomed to the restrictions -- somewhat. I did not snack on spoonfuls of saurkraut nearly as much (maybe twice).

I am hoping to reduce the amount I am eating at my two vegetable meals. I am too reliant on starchier vegetables like green beans and water chestnuts in the mix at the moment. I also want to get accustomed to only doing that once per day in the future. I don't like eating what feels like two big meals a day, even though it keeps me going better and prevents a big binge in the evening.

We will see when a fortnight has passed.

Cheers.

start every morning like it's on purpose

So far so good this morning. I tell you, it bloody challenging to follow THE RULES when my hormones want me to eat everything in the house. Which is precisely why many times I have nary a crumb for the taking.

Put it this way, something must have clicked in my head after two lost days to the big B word. I feel strong today. I feel like I can get back on the two-month wagon I was riding.

So far today I have had one cup of coffee, with a tablespoon of creamer, and a lot of water. I get to eat my vegetables in one hour, which is good considering I am trying to repair my newly expanded stomach. I used to just go sleep when I was hungry so as to avoid the pull to binge. Well, let's be straight, bingeing in my world is eating in most people's.

I know that, yet the vernacular of the disorder is always extremist, isn't it?

I always start to cry...

Well, I could sit here and verbally cry for you, but the truth of the matter is I am angry. I am angry that I stuck to THE RULES all day and found that eating two meals a day was just too much for my gluttony. It opened the door to some serious, albeit "healthy" bingeing that ended with downing three dulcolax only 10 minutes ago. I obviously cannot be trusted with food.

I am this close to throwing out the lot of edibles this house contains. This stinking close.

I used to do that a lot...throw out can openers, even forks and plates so that eating would simply not be an option. I should have chewed the food I ate and spat it out. I started to do that, and succeeded with one sweet item I fancied, yet my stomach called for an end to the new raucous. That is what I get for bingeing at all last night. I screwed myself up once again and have to start from gastric scratch.

This is no poor me speech. I am bound to recreate every mistake unless I behave says the head.

The soul knows I have eaten in the past month what most people eat in less than a week.

I won't bore the slate with the gory details of my night's diet. Suffice to say that this WILL not be a repeat on 8.3.2009 . Not if I can help it.

And you can tell everybody that this is your song....

It seems I have been here before: been here many many "befores." This is not even my first blog, nor is it my first blog specific to anorexia, eating disorders, nor a sense of bodily loathing so strong that the pull to destroy it remains supreme. Perhaps I will get "it" right this time...whatever the proverbial "it" is now.

Posterity, vanity, some attempt to not go through this alone, all are viable reasons for writing this out rather than keeping it in.

Also, a record of the process, however far and however slim I go is what I desire. I have diaries from the first reaches of this illness tucked away in a filing cabinet. The internet is a much tidier method, I suppose, of leaving the mark of the insanity engulfing my better judgment.

"Let's go on with the show..."

I've been at this for a few months, but not losing weight fast enough. I need to lose 45% of my body weight to be happy. And, I want to do this by the end of the year. By the end of summer is what my head wants. Hey, don't be so shocked. I've done it before, and faster. I'm a weight loss queen when I set my mind and disorder to it. I can restrict with the best of 'em and am patient enough to typically not fall prey to binges and trigger foods. Well, I boast, but in anticipation of my "new" food plan tomorrow, I succumbed to a meal of mashed potatoes, ice cream, soup, chocolate, fruit and cheese. I did follow it up with Fleet laxatives.

I'm still waiting for that to kick in even though I know I ate in that "binge" nothing with cholesterol, trans fats, nor more than 800 calories. Still, that's more than twice what I try to eat in a normal day.

What do I eat in a normal day for me, eh?

Breakfast:

*coffee
*sugar free, fat free creamer
*water
*sugarless chewing gum

Lunch:

*hot tea
*8 ounces of steamed vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower and carrots) with a salt-free seasoning sprinkle
*water

Snack:

*chewing gum
*coffee
*sugar free, fat free creamer

Dinner:

*8 ounces steamed vegetables as at lunch time

it all comes to about 250 calories a day

I do chew and spit at times, but only a couple bites of crisp bread or peanut butter. I have to swish water in my mouth so I can get as much of the oily, fatty bits washed out. It always makes me satisfied, and I have nary an issue from it.

Tonight I am on lock down from food since my binge. It is only 6 pm, but I must consume at least 1 litre of water before bed so as to rid the salt from my body. i have a terrible time with swelling when I've binged or eaten off "the plan."

More later.

Cheers.

Leza