307.1

That is code that some might recognize.

I am writing this despite feeling so weak that I could sleep for a month. I am feeling as if my head is going to explode, and I am going to vomit every last ounce of sugar-free substance ingested this day (including coffee creamers and gelatin snacks).

Each day brings the verbal cheers of my weight loss in my social circle. I am winning. Yet I feel like a loser who now has to have a more calorific day in order to function (from 350 to my now 500 Kcals).

I crave all sorts of foods like fish and chips, cold salads, pizza, chocolates, sandwiches, cakes, and ice cream. None of these foods, even in chemically altered form are allowed on my DIEt.

I recognize now the struggle inside. My history with this monster has left me vulnerable to its pull, and I cannot loose myself from its grasp. I am beginning to truly suffer in my days of mega-work. I work hard, am driven, and work far more than my normal work hours per week. I take tablets for blood sugar correction that require my cells to have a certain amount of energy, especially during the hour following their taking. Yet I don't listen to my body. I carry on as if I have power over biology and God.

And I know I am the loser when I do that.

But I cannot stop.