you're the one. you're the one I love....

I'll be honest with you, I don't even care about food anymore. I've had under 265 Kcals today without even trying. I worked another 12 hours, and came home to eat my "rations" only to discover that I really am not hungry, and cannot hold much.

I smell pizzas and hamburgers and other things such as beef stew and really don't absorb them as foods. I have wild cravings, but am so far removed from proper meal eating that the cravings come and go as the sun.

It's a position of power over food that comes when one is truly afflicted. I can speak from experience. I went through the mill with this beast years ago. Basically, I am at the point where it is easy. Eating would be difficult. That is when the disorder becomes the lifestyle, and body and head congress with each other in a dance of danger and darkness.

People at work are calling me skinny minny, even though I have so much more weight to lose. I admit I am losing my curves, especially from the side. No real breasts, no tummy unless I've eaten, and slight shoulders compared to the me my recent life-folk know.

Regards,
Me

i'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in sight...

The insomnia has set in. It's been harder and harder to find sleep. Once there, however, I am capable of remaining on my pillow for as log as my body will allow. Lat night was the first when i could not find sleep, even after an eleven-hour work day. Midnight came and left, and I drifted off, only to awaken around five a.m.

Buckle up, girl. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

we're lost in this masquerade

I am not ok today. Even the rations my disorder allows me to have were difficult to put back over the weekend. I often would dump half of the coffees or vegetables as I ate them. I just couldn't eat. I have this fear of anything being inside of me right now. It's not even rational.

I am losing weight. I am losing weight rapidly enough that even in my overweight state, people are commenting that it is "ridiculous" or "crazy."

But my disorder wants me running on fumes.

Today is difficult. Working is really painful from every cell. My shoulders are tired. My legs are tired. My brain and soul are tired.

for love is surrender...

I'm sitting here having the first calories of the day, and even their meager rations are making me feel bloated, fat, and in danger of gaining 10 pounds at the mere ingestion. The culprit? A cup of coffee with 45 calories of sugar-free creamer. Total, 50 Kcals and I've downed half the cup before feeling freaked out about the rest.

I suppose this is when my rational brain should kick the eating disorder in the pants. Where art thou, oh sensibility?

you've got to fight for your right to party...

Well, I am dropping the weight like I used to...nearly 1 kilogram per day. I started a video blog, but haven't gotten up the nerve to make it available online. I want to remain fairly anonymous at the moment. I'm not proud of this, please understand. I am steeled to my need to get off this fat and get on with my life. But I do understand that my disorder is never going t let me go once I near anything close to my "goal" weight.

It's a risk I feel is worth taking.

Yesterday I didn't have any calories until 1300. I was out shopping, running errands, and away from the house. I finally had a low-calorie energy drink (25 Kcals for the bottle), then felt myself slipping into the red danger zone of passing out. Oh, I had eaten an organic lolly (35 Kcals) earlier. I forgot about that. Anyway, I had a Lara bar in my purse, and took out a bit of it. That of course immediately saved me and I commenced again with the day.

About 1430 I went to a coffee stand but really didn't like the fact that I couldn't control what was in it. I ordered a tall Soya latte with sugar-free cinnamon dolce syrup. I typically put in 2 tablespoons of sugar-free creamer (30 Kcals for the lot), and as much splenda as I need. This was the great unknown. I only managed half of it before I couldn't handle it any more. I threw it in the rubbish bin at the shop.

By the time I arrived home, it was 1630 and nearing time for my "allowed" supper. I never do teas anymore.

I had my bowl of vegetables and sodium-free bouillon, then a couple pickles and called it a day.

All in all, about 385 Kcals were had.

It was plenty despite the activity increase and weekend fear.

Cheers,
L

How to handle a woman, mark me well I will tell you sir...

Well, I've just had a bit of a binge after a day of only 183 Kcals. I came home and made a giant salad with lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, fat-free dressing, and the downfall -- around 3 servings of cheddar cheese shreds (soya milk, mind you). That put my total to over 785 Kcals for the day, including the handful of prunes I ate afterward in order to aid in getting rid of the malady as soon as humanly possible.

That makes two binge days this week of some total in the 700s, with the rest of the days between 300 and 500 Kcals. Not good enough. I'll never pick up this dead-paced loss cycle unless I do something much more restrictive, and less appeasing to my innards.

That is my problem this week. I am paying far too much heed to my stomach than my brain. I know what I need to do and seem not to care that I will endure weeks longer, if not months, to reach my goals by year's end.

That is all for now.

307.1

That is code that some might recognize.

I am writing this despite feeling so weak that I could sleep for a month. I am feeling as if my head is going to explode, and I am going to vomit every last ounce of sugar-free substance ingested this day (including coffee creamers and gelatin snacks).

Each day brings the verbal cheers of my weight loss in my social circle. I am winning. Yet I feel like a loser who now has to have a more calorific day in order to function (from 350 to my now 500 Kcals).

I crave all sorts of foods like fish and chips, cold salads, pizza, chocolates, sandwiches, cakes, and ice cream. None of these foods, even in chemically altered form are allowed on my DIEt.

I recognize now the struggle inside. My history with this monster has left me vulnerable to its pull, and I cannot loose myself from its grasp. I am beginning to truly suffer in my days of mega-work. I work hard, am driven, and work far more than my normal work hours per week. I take tablets for blood sugar correction that require my cells to have a certain amount of energy, especially during the hour following their taking. Yet I don't listen to my body. I carry on as if I have power over biology and God.

And I know I am the loser when I do that.

But I cannot stop.