White lace and promises...

Well, consider me a fat failure since Friday night until today.

I mostly binged on soya cheese both days, which made my calorific intake beyond 950. My weight has not changed (which is not a good thing, as I need it to get lower by 1 kilo per day). This is at least good on the flip side. I am not larger, but I have more water on my bones, I know it. I neither feel nor look like I am working hard at this. That means I need to work harder.

I am not allowed over 500 calories in a day until at least 1.1.2010. Those are the new rules since I cannot control myself.

I am now cutting my rice cheese portions into thirds.

Here is what I typically will have in a day:

coffee, stevia, non fat, non sweetened, non dairy creamer.....50 calories

2 cups shredded iceberg lettuce with 15 sprays of fat free dressing...........50 calories
non sugared applesauce........................................................................40 calories

2 cups cooked vegetables, non-sodium chicken bouillon packet..............110 calories
sugarless gelatin..................................................................................10 calories
1/3 serving of soya or rice cheese unless it becomes a trigger again.........20 calories

sugarless, fat free cocoa.......................................................................25 calories

one or two of the following as needed....................
another sugarless gelatin.........................................................................10 calories
pickle....................................................................................................20 calories
1 cup air popped popcorn with sodium free spices.....................................15 calories
one cup shredded lettuce with 10 sprays of dressing.................................25 calories

Done.

I must begin the cycle of rapid loss again this week. I feel too warm, and too healthy right now. And when I feel that way I know I am not trying as much as I should.

I need to have off a significantly greater amount of weight before June.

I really should have chewed and spat this weekend. I rebelled against my Ed, and I must pay.

Cheers,
Me

I know I've wasted too much time...

Well, true to form, I binged tonight. I had gone for 7 days eating no more than 500, and mostly 350 kcals per day. Today, i had 240kcals throughout the day, then came home and binged on salad with soya cheese, radishes, salsa, prunes, and raspberries. My total? 1063 kcals for the day. ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE. That is a bigger salad binge than last.

Oh, I forgot 100 kcals of vegetable soup to finish it off.

I have new rules in place. No more coffee. It is causing me to have emergent needs for calories at times when I need to be fasting. So, I will substitute the same amount of kcals I was having in the creamers and simply drink soya milk for 70 kcals a serving. I will pour it over ice to make it last longer, and have it only if I need something more than the sugarless squash.

Then I will continue my vegetables in bouillon suppers. This should keep me at my 350 kcals a day mark from last week's successful numbers.

I had lost another 3 kilos, but who knows after tonight. I am always too much a cowardess to weigh until morning.

See you in the a.m.

Me

Waiting was all my heart could do...

It's been a fairly productive day. I must state a milestone. It was nearly a week ago that I had that awful 700+ calorie binge of salad and soya cheese. I am sort of planning another tomorrow night, over which my head is killing me. I already purchased the items, and they are in the refrigerator. That aside, I've consistently eaten less than 500, and most times 400 Kcals per day since then. It is apparent to everyone in my daily and even tertiary life that I am losing weight significantly.

I'm hearing the familiar ring of, "You must tell me your secret!" "You look good!"

I simply tell them I watch what I eat. I don't actually exercise since my job is so physical. I just work myself to the bone (hopefully literally) and restrict extremely.

Today, for instance, I have eaten less than 300Kcals. Breakfast was skipped due to workload and last night's horrific stomach pains (gas due to the kraut). Lunch was half a single-serving tub of applesauce and a sugar-free gelatin. And supper just now was a sodium-free packet of chicken bouillon, 2 cups of mixed vegetables, and half a can of albacore tuna in water. I've also downed my gelatin vitamins, as well as one slice of radish.

That is it.

I was given high marks at work this day. My boss was very impressed with my performance, and was generous with adulation.

I take it as incentive to work even harder. Of course I do!

Cheers,
Me

stop! oh yes, wait a minute Mr Postman...

Today I was very tired. After yesterday's under 300 Kcals day, I was unable to rise at my expected hour. I barely functioned at my optimum (of course I pulled it out since that is what I do, eh?) for my over 10 hours on the job. My stomach hurt, I had a pounding headache, muscle spasms, and I loved every minute of it.

Why?

Because seven people said I was slimming nicely. It's becoming noticed everywhere there are people who know me. Good. I am doing some publicity tomorrow, and of course this has brought renewed interest in making doubly sure I "behave" until that is complete.

Downward and downward. 345Kcals down today. That is all I plan to have. I have kraut as a reserve just in case. It might be the perfect snack food! High salt, but low low calorific value.

Cheers,
Me

you're the one. you're the one I love....

I'll be honest with you, I don't even care about food anymore. I've had under 265 Kcals today without even trying. I worked another 12 hours, and came home to eat my "rations" only to discover that I really am not hungry, and cannot hold much.

I smell pizzas and hamburgers and other things such as beef stew and really don't absorb them as foods. I have wild cravings, but am so far removed from proper meal eating that the cravings come and go as the sun.

It's a position of power over food that comes when one is truly afflicted. I can speak from experience. I went through the mill with this beast years ago. Basically, I am at the point where it is easy. Eating would be difficult. That is when the disorder becomes the lifestyle, and body and head congress with each other in a dance of danger and darkness.

People at work are calling me skinny minny, even though I have so much more weight to lose. I admit I am losing my curves, especially from the side. No real breasts, no tummy unless I've eaten, and slight shoulders compared to the me my recent life-folk know.

Regards,
Me

i'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in sight...

The insomnia has set in. It's been harder and harder to find sleep. Once there, however, I am capable of remaining on my pillow for as log as my body will allow. Lat night was the first when i could not find sleep, even after an eleven-hour work day. Midnight came and left, and I drifted off, only to awaken around five a.m.

Buckle up, girl. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

we're lost in this masquerade

I am not ok today. Even the rations my disorder allows me to have were difficult to put back over the weekend. I often would dump half of the coffees or vegetables as I ate them. I just couldn't eat. I have this fear of anything being inside of me right now. It's not even rational.

I am losing weight. I am losing weight rapidly enough that even in my overweight state, people are commenting that it is "ridiculous" or "crazy."

But my disorder wants me running on fumes.

Today is difficult. Working is really painful from every cell. My shoulders are tired. My legs are tired. My brain and soul are tired.