we're just too far away

This is an entry in which I feel I shall come clean.

All control was lost, and has yet to be regained. I've taken to writing hellacious messages in permanent ink on my thighs, so that I may read them when I eliminate all the terrible things I consume. Seemingly overnight (actually nearly 2 months at this point) I gained 20 pounds. I am up a pants size, and teetering closely on another.

I am miserable. My stomach is outstretched, I am retaining water, I make frequent trips to the lavatory, my teeth and throat burn from the binges.

I do not feel human.

I certainly do not feel like me.

And I am bloody well going to stop this.

It's going to take some time this time to get myself in shape...

Well, I've been knocking back the chow for over two weeks in unrelenting fashion. Granted, it's been mostly fat free/extremely low fat, fairly low carb, and cumulatively less than 2000 Kcals per day; but the truth is it's highly unacceptable. I felt I had ballooned to nearly my former weight, but stepping on the scales this morning revealed only a 4 kilo weight gain.

I still am wearing the clothing I just only slimmed back into, and the only price I really paid was a broken complexion, filled-out (I tend to call this "milk-fed") look in the face and joints, and a very very grim look at myself in terms of control.

Lots of salt, whole blocks of fat free cheeses, and popcorn, as well as mashed potatoes with soya cheeses were my vices. Each day I made a vow that it would be the LAST. So familiar to my former eating disorder. "Today is the last day of this binge business. Tomorrow I will fast perfectly once more."

It's all bollocks, excuse the language please.

I know if I mean to meet my goals I MUST stay on track or be dammed.

This isn't lucky that I only gained 4 kilos back from the 20 I had dropped. I could have been 10 kilos lighter had I not gotten off track. And it is not like I enjoyed eating all that food. I was knackered and sore and my mouth hurt. My soul hurt the worst.

Remember this, oh feeble heart. For the sins of your past shall surely catch up once more lest you drop the proverbial ball...down your gullet!

Much love and renewed determination,
L

it's yesterday once more...

I've been binging for days. Basically I am a fat failure. I know I have gained a couple kilos.

Anyway, I had this idea of eating only 10000 kcals in the entire month of April. Well, I've had nearly a fifth of that already. And the horror is I have a great plan to eat, keep the kcals under 300 a day, and still pretty much stay satisfied. It's almost like since I found this "key" I can put it off until tomorrow.

Put it off and I'll weigh more than ever.

White lace and promises...

Well, consider me a fat failure since Friday night until today.

I mostly binged on soya cheese both days, which made my calorific intake beyond 950. My weight has not changed (which is not a good thing, as I need it to get lower by 1 kilo per day). This is at least good on the flip side. I am not larger, but I have more water on my bones, I know it. I neither feel nor look like I am working hard at this. That means I need to work harder.

I am not allowed over 500 calories in a day until at least 1.1.2010. Those are the new rules since I cannot control myself.

I am now cutting my rice cheese portions into thirds.

Here is what I typically will have in a day:

coffee, stevia, non fat, non sweetened, non dairy creamer.....50 calories

2 cups shredded iceberg lettuce with 15 sprays of fat free dressing...........50 calories
non sugared applesauce........................................................................40 calories

2 cups cooked vegetables, non-sodium chicken bouillon packet..............110 calories
sugarless gelatin..................................................................................10 calories
1/3 serving of soya or rice cheese unless it becomes a trigger again.........20 calories

sugarless, fat free cocoa.......................................................................25 calories

one or two of the following as needed....................
another sugarless gelatin.........................................................................10 calories
pickle....................................................................................................20 calories
1 cup air popped popcorn with sodium free spices.....................................15 calories
one cup shredded lettuce with 10 sprays of dressing.................................25 calories

Done.

I must begin the cycle of rapid loss again this week. I feel too warm, and too healthy right now. And when I feel that way I know I am not trying as much as I should.

I need to have off a significantly greater amount of weight before June.

I really should have chewed and spat this weekend. I rebelled against my Ed, and I must pay.

Cheers,
Me

I know I've wasted too much time...

Well, true to form, I binged tonight. I had gone for 7 days eating no more than 500, and mostly 350 kcals per day. Today, i had 240kcals throughout the day, then came home and binged on salad with soya cheese, radishes, salsa, prunes, and raspberries. My total? 1063 kcals for the day. ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE. That is a bigger salad binge than last.

Oh, I forgot 100 kcals of vegetable soup to finish it off.

I have new rules in place. No more coffee. It is causing me to have emergent needs for calories at times when I need to be fasting. So, I will substitute the same amount of kcals I was having in the creamers and simply drink soya milk for 70 kcals a serving. I will pour it over ice to make it last longer, and have it only if I need something more than the sugarless squash.

Then I will continue my vegetables in bouillon suppers. This should keep me at my 350 kcals a day mark from last week's successful numbers.

I had lost another 3 kilos, but who knows after tonight. I am always too much a cowardess to weigh until morning.

See you in the a.m.

Me

Waiting was all my heart could do...

It's been a fairly productive day. I must state a milestone. It was nearly a week ago that I had that awful 700+ calorie binge of salad and soya cheese. I am sort of planning another tomorrow night, over which my head is killing me. I already purchased the items, and they are in the refrigerator. That aside, I've consistently eaten less than 500, and most times 400 Kcals per day since then. It is apparent to everyone in my daily and even tertiary life that I am losing weight significantly.

I'm hearing the familiar ring of, "You must tell me your secret!" "You look good!"

I simply tell them I watch what I eat. I don't actually exercise since my job is so physical. I just work myself to the bone (hopefully literally) and restrict extremely.

Today, for instance, I have eaten less than 300Kcals. Breakfast was skipped due to workload and last night's horrific stomach pains (gas due to the kraut). Lunch was half a single-serving tub of applesauce and a sugar-free gelatin. And supper just now was a sodium-free packet of chicken bouillon, 2 cups of mixed vegetables, and half a can of albacore tuna in water. I've also downed my gelatin vitamins, as well as one slice of radish.

That is it.

I was given high marks at work this day. My boss was very impressed with my performance, and was generous with adulation.

I take it as incentive to work even harder. Of course I do!

Cheers,
Me

stop! oh yes, wait a minute Mr Postman...

Today I was very tired. After yesterday's under 300 Kcals day, I was unable to rise at my expected hour. I barely functioned at my optimum (of course I pulled it out since that is what I do, eh?) for my over 10 hours on the job. My stomach hurt, I had a pounding headache, muscle spasms, and I loved every minute of it.

Why?

Because seven people said I was slimming nicely. It's becoming noticed everywhere there are people who know me. Good. I am doing some publicity tomorrow, and of course this has brought renewed interest in making doubly sure I "behave" until that is complete.

Downward and downward. 345Kcals down today. That is all I plan to have. I have kraut as a reserve just in case. It might be the perfect snack food! High salt, but low low calorific value.

Cheers,
Me