you needed me...

Well, last week's transgressions have been appeased in part. My weight is the same as before my two days of tractal terror. I had not noticed it sliding downward due to the rather out-of-control feelings I experienced with the abundance of vegetables cooked and eaten on my plates. I should correct that -- I never eat from a plate. I eat from green salad bowls that are the least fancy thing I own. Something about their simplicity makes me feel as if I'm getting away with not having to go through the charade of normalcy.

I recognize that as a ritual. I have had many such rituals in my career of eating disorders.

I used to only allow myself a salad fork, feeling it would provide extra bites. Now, I want the food gone as fast as it can be swallowed -- especially the food I am allowed to eat. I don't want to think about the fact that I must pollute my body in order to work and pay the bills, etc...

I eat with the largest fork I can find. I drink gulp after gulp of sugar-free water drinks, and take stool softeners so as to be rid of the bloat as soon as my body can process it.

I was hooked on laxatives for over two years once. I overdosed a few times and it was the most disgusting thing you ever imagined: me, lying in a slump on the washroom tile, vomit all over the place, unable to control my bowels.

I would awaken from some of those episodes on a mattress completely soiled from sometime in the night. I never ate things like ice cream or pizza or chocolates. I would always have five or six soups, or a loaf of bread with mustard, or a can of corn and beans...all things that were not really bad for me. I thought of myself as the human eating and wasting machine. All I did was plan my classes and drives around where I could find the nearest lavatory.

As a result, my gut is stubborn. It was fine up until the turn of the year, when all this began again. Now that I actually eat no fat in my diet, one would surmise my gut would spend her riches in fast fashion. Not so. I go nearly a week without so much as a gurgle. Hence the stool softeners.

All for now.

Cheers,

L