we're just too far away

This is an entry in which I feel I shall come clean.

All control was lost, and has yet to be regained. I've taken to writing hellacious messages in permanent ink on my thighs, so that I may read them when I eliminate all the terrible things I consume. Seemingly overnight (actually nearly 2 months at this point) I gained 20 pounds. I am up a pants size, and teetering closely on another.

I am miserable. My stomach is outstretched, I am retaining water, I make frequent trips to the lavatory, my teeth and throat burn from the binges.

I do not feel human.

I certainly do not feel like me.

And I am bloody well going to stop this.

It's going to take some time this time to get myself in shape...

Well, I've been knocking back the chow for over two weeks in unrelenting fashion. Granted, it's been mostly fat free/extremely low fat, fairly low carb, and cumulatively less than 2000 Kcals per day; but the truth is it's highly unacceptable. I felt I had ballooned to nearly my former weight, but stepping on the scales this morning revealed only a 4 kilo weight gain.

I still am wearing the clothing I just only slimmed back into, and the only price I really paid was a broken complexion, filled-out (I tend to call this "milk-fed") look in the face and joints, and a very very grim look at myself in terms of control.

Lots of salt, whole blocks of fat free cheeses, and popcorn, as well as mashed potatoes with soya cheeses were my vices. Each day I made a vow that it would be the LAST. So familiar to my former eating disorder. "Today is the last day of this binge business. Tomorrow I will fast perfectly once more."

It's all bollocks, excuse the language please.

I know if I mean to meet my goals I MUST stay on track or be dammed.

This isn't lucky that I only gained 4 kilos back from the 20 I had dropped. I could have been 10 kilos lighter had I not gotten off track. And it is not like I enjoyed eating all that food. I was knackered and sore and my mouth hurt. My soul hurt the worst.

Remember this, oh feeble heart. For the sins of your past shall surely catch up once more lest you drop the proverbial ball...down your gullet!

Much love and renewed determination,
L

it's yesterday once more...

I've been binging for days. Basically I am a fat failure. I know I have gained a couple kilos.

Anyway, I had this idea of eating only 10000 kcals in the entire month of April. Well, I've had nearly a fifth of that already. And the horror is I have a great plan to eat, keep the kcals under 300 a day, and still pretty much stay satisfied. It's almost like since I found this "key" I can put it off until tomorrow.

Put it off and I'll weigh more than ever.

White lace and promises...

Well, consider me a fat failure since Friday night until today.

I mostly binged on soya cheese both days, which made my calorific intake beyond 950. My weight has not changed (which is not a good thing, as I need it to get lower by 1 kilo per day). This is at least good on the flip side. I am not larger, but I have more water on my bones, I know it. I neither feel nor look like I am working hard at this. That means I need to work harder.

I am not allowed over 500 calories in a day until at least 1.1.2010. Those are the new rules since I cannot control myself.

I am now cutting my rice cheese portions into thirds.

Here is what I typically will have in a day:

coffee, stevia, non fat, non sweetened, non dairy creamer.....50 calories

2 cups shredded iceberg lettuce with 15 sprays of fat free dressing...........50 calories
non sugared applesauce........................................................................40 calories

2 cups cooked vegetables, non-sodium chicken bouillon packet..............110 calories
sugarless gelatin..................................................................................10 calories
1/3 serving of soya or rice cheese unless it becomes a trigger again.........20 calories

sugarless, fat free cocoa.......................................................................25 calories

one or two of the following as needed....................
another sugarless gelatin.........................................................................10 calories
pickle....................................................................................................20 calories
1 cup air popped popcorn with sodium free spices.....................................15 calories
one cup shredded lettuce with 10 sprays of dressing.................................25 calories

Done.

I must begin the cycle of rapid loss again this week. I feel too warm, and too healthy right now. And when I feel that way I know I am not trying as much as I should.

I need to have off a significantly greater amount of weight before June.

I really should have chewed and spat this weekend. I rebelled against my Ed, and I must pay.

Cheers,
Me

I know I've wasted too much time...

Well, true to form, I binged tonight. I had gone for 7 days eating no more than 500, and mostly 350 kcals per day. Today, i had 240kcals throughout the day, then came home and binged on salad with soya cheese, radishes, salsa, prunes, and raspberries. My total? 1063 kcals for the day. ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE. That is a bigger salad binge than last.

Oh, I forgot 100 kcals of vegetable soup to finish it off.

I have new rules in place. No more coffee. It is causing me to have emergent needs for calories at times when I need to be fasting. So, I will substitute the same amount of kcals I was having in the creamers and simply drink soya milk for 70 kcals a serving. I will pour it over ice to make it last longer, and have it only if I need something more than the sugarless squash.

Then I will continue my vegetables in bouillon suppers. This should keep me at my 350 kcals a day mark from last week's successful numbers.

I had lost another 3 kilos, but who knows after tonight. I am always too much a cowardess to weigh until morning.

See you in the a.m.

Me

Waiting was all my heart could do...

It's been a fairly productive day. I must state a milestone. It was nearly a week ago that I had that awful 700+ calorie binge of salad and soya cheese. I am sort of planning another tomorrow night, over which my head is killing me. I already purchased the items, and they are in the refrigerator. That aside, I've consistently eaten less than 500, and most times 400 Kcals per day since then. It is apparent to everyone in my daily and even tertiary life that I am losing weight significantly.

I'm hearing the familiar ring of, "You must tell me your secret!" "You look good!"

I simply tell them I watch what I eat. I don't actually exercise since my job is so physical. I just work myself to the bone (hopefully literally) and restrict extremely.

Today, for instance, I have eaten less than 300Kcals. Breakfast was skipped due to workload and last night's horrific stomach pains (gas due to the kraut). Lunch was half a single-serving tub of applesauce and a sugar-free gelatin. And supper just now was a sodium-free packet of chicken bouillon, 2 cups of mixed vegetables, and half a can of albacore tuna in water. I've also downed my gelatin vitamins, as well as one slice of radish.

That is it.

I was given high marks at work this day. My boss was very impressed with my performance, and was generous with adulation.

I take it as incentive to work even harder. Of course I do!

Cheers,
Me

stop! oh yes, wait a minute Mr Postman...

Today I was very tired. After yesterday's under 300 Kcals day, I was unable to rise at my expected hour. I barely functioned at my optimum (of course I pulled it out since that is what I do, eh?) for my over 10 hours on the job. My stomach hurt, I had a pounding headache, muscle spasms, and I loved every minute of it.

Why?

Because seven people said I was slimming nicely. It's becoming noticed everywhere there are people who know me. Good. I am doing some publicity tomorrow, and of course this has brought renewed interest in making doubly sure I "behave" until that is complete.

Downward and downward. 345Kcals down today. That is all I plan to have. I have kraut as a reserve just in case. It might be the perfect snack food! High salt, but low low calorific value.

Cheers,
Me

you're the one. you're the one I love....

I'll be honest with you, I don't even care about food anymore. I've had under 265 Kcals today without even trying. I worked another 12 hours, and came home to eat my "rations" only to discover that I really am not hungry, and cannot hold much.

I smell pizzas and hamburgers and other things such as beef stew and really don't absorb them as foods. I have wild cravings, but am so far removed from proper meal eating that the cravings come and go as the sun.

It's a position of power over food that comes when one is truly afflicted. I can speak from experience. I went through the mill with this beast years ago. Basically, I am at the point where it is easy. Eating would be difficult. That is when the disorder becomes the lifestyle, and body and head congress with each other in a dance of danger and darkness.

People at work are calling me skinny minny, even though I have so much more weight to lose. I admit I am losing my curves, especially from the side. No real breasts, no tummy unless I've eaten, and slight shoulders compared to the me my recent life-folk know.

Regards,
Me

i'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in sight...

The insomnia has set in. It's been harder and harder to find sleep. Once there, however, I am capable of remaining on my pillow for as log as my body will allow. Lat night was the first when i could not find sleep, even after an eleven-hour work day. Midnight came and left, and I drifted off, only to awaken around five a.m.

Buckle up, girl. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

we're lost in this masquerade

I am not ok today. Even the rations my disorder allows me to have were difficult to put back over the weekend. I often would dump half of the coffees or vegetables as I ate them. I just couldn't eat. I have this fear of anything being inside of me right now. It's not even rational.

I am losing weight. I am losing weight rapidly enough that even in my overweight state, people are commenting that it is "ridiculous" or "crazy."

But my disorder wants me running on fumes.

Today is difficult. Working is really painful from every cell. My shoulders are tired. My legs are tired. My brain and soul are tired.

for love is surrender...

I'm sitting here having the first calories of the day, and even their meager rations are making me feel bloated, fat, and in danger of gaining 10 pounds at the mere ingestion. The culprit? A cup of coffee with 45 calories of sugar-free creamer. Total, 50 Kcals and I've downed half the cup before feeling freaked out about the rest.

I suppose this is when my rational brain should kick the eating disorder in the pants. Where art thou, oh sensibility?

you've got to fight for your right to party...

Well, I am dropping the weight like I used to...nearly 1 kilogram per day. I started a video blog, but haven't gotten up the nerve to make it available online. I want to remain fairly anonymous at the moment. I'm not proud of this, please understand. I am steeled to my need to get off this fat and get on with my life. But I do understand that my disorder is never going t let me go once I near anything close to my "goal" weight.

It's a risk I feel is worth taking.

Yesterday I didn't have any calories until 1300. I was out shopping, running errands, and away from the house. I finally had a low-calorie energy drink (25 Kcals for the bottle), then felt myself slipping into the red danger zone of passing out. Oh, I had eaten an organic lolly (35 Kcals) earlier. I forgot about that. Anyway, I had a Lara bar in my purse, and took out a bit of it. That of course immediately saved me and I commenced again with the day.

About 1430 I went to a coffee stand but really didn't like the fact that I couldn't control what was in it. I ordered a tall Soya latte with sugar-free cinnamon dolce syrup. I typically put in 2 tablespoons of sugar-free creamer (30 Kcals for the lot), and as much splenda as I need. This was the great unknown. I only managed half of it before I couldn't handle it any more. I threw it in the rubbish bin at the shop.

By the time I arrived home, it was 1630 and nearing time for my "allowed" supper. I never do teas anymore.

I had my bowl of vegetables and sodium-free bouillon, then a couple pickles and called it a day.

All in all, about 385 Kcals were had.

It was plenty despite the activity increase and weekend fear.

Cheers,
L

How to handle a woman, mark me well I will tell you sir...

Well, I've just had a bit of a binge after a day of only 183 Kcals. I came home and made a giant salad with lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, fat-free dressing, and the downfall -- around 3 servings of cheddar cheese shreds (soya milk, mind you). That put my total to over 785 Kcals for the day, including the handful of prunes I ate afterward in order to aid in getting rid of the malady as soon as humanly possible.

That makes two binge days this week of some total in the 700s, with the rest of the days between 300 and 500 Kcals. Not good enough. I'll never pick up this dead-paced loss cycle unless I do something much more restrictive, and less appeasing to my innards.

That is my problem this week. I am paying far too much heed to my stomach than my brain. I know what I need to do and seem not to care that I will endure weeks longer, if not months, to reach my goals by year's end.

That is all for now.

307.1

That is code that some might recognize.

I am writing this despite feeling so weak that I could sleep for a month. I am feeling as if my head is going to explode, and I am going to vomit every last ounce of sugar-free substance ingested this day (including coffee creamers and gelatin snacks).

Each day brings the verbal cheers of my weight loss in my social circle. I am winning. Yet I feel like a loser who now has to have a more calorific day in order to function (from 350 to my now 500 Kcals).

I crave all sorts of foods like fish and chips, cold salads, pizza, chocolates, sandwiches, cakes, and ice cream. None of these foods, even in chemically altered form are allowed on my DIEt.

I recognize now the struggle inside. My history with this monster has left me vulnerable to its pull, and I cannot loose myself from its grasp. I am beginning to truly suffer in my days of mega-work. I work hard, am driven, and work far more than my normal work hours per week. I take tablets for blood sugar correction that require my cells to have a certain amount of energy, especially during the hour following their taking. Yet I don't listen to my body. I carry on as if I have power over biology and God.

And I know I am the loser when I do that.

But I cannot stop.

are we really happy with this lonely game we play?

I did not do well today. I ate 765 calories (400 of which came from nearly downing a bag of mixed, dried fruits). Not good. Not good.

My hands are swollen, and I've lost that feeling of fleeting fullness that comes with eating what I'm allowed.

I have to hope tomorrow is better.

lately I've been staring in the mirror, very slowly picking me apart

I've had a very rotten day in terms of energy.  My menses caused a lot of fatigue, as well as pain and likely calorie burning over the night, leaving me in a rather wan waking state.  No matter.  I merely showered, took many deep breaths, and got ready for work, anxiously awaiting my first allowed coffee and "cream".  

I nearly passed out as I shopped for gelatin at the grocery this afternoon, and opted for a stick of chewing gum and a sugar-free Sprite.

Finally, Ihave had my supper, and am feeling rather like throwing up.

Today's count? 410 Kcals.

Happy St Patrick's Day

to understand the reason why we carry on this way,,,

I got home from work tonight, let out the dogs, and made my final rations of the day: a bowl of steamed vegetables, half a can of albacore tuna in water, and 2 prunes, chased by half a gallon of sugar-free cranberry drink.

I've been holding steady at under 500 Kcals per day.

Ever since dinner, which was had in my room despite living alone, I've been catering to my obsession. Blogs, movies, music, rituals. That is my evening despite being told by my boss today that I was impressive with a deal we are attempting to close.

So, I was impressive at work, yet I delve deeper into my disorder as my reward?

The head says to continue on this course and even tighten the reigns. Stomach not getting small enough fast enough, menses here and causing bloat, despite the calorific lock down, still eating too much.

Do I listen to my accomplished and rational self?

No.

I listen to the destructive voice inside who seeks a slither in at every turn of my emotions.

what a difference you made...

Well, I'm trudging along today. I'm not happy to be menstruating. It began today, and frankly, I am displeased with the swollen abdomen, hips, and overall ennui of it.

Also, I crave protein like a madwoman. I'm contemplating tuna, which is on my "absolutely nots" list. It's a trigger food for me, sure to launch my jowls into swarms of chewing, gasp, swallowing, and gaining weight.

My weight is not nearly where I would have it be at this stage (nearly 3.5 months on an odyssey that is scheduled to end the final week of this year), though my size has lowered to its third drop.

Likely, I am losing muscle faster than fat, which is a concern. I know why this is. Eating less than 500 calories per day on a consistent basis will cause me to conserve fat in muscle tissue, and break down good muscle for fuel.

Smart, eh?

Well, my anorexia head reminds me every day that this will work if I only LISTEN to her.

Take a good look at me...

I've always put a great deal of pressure on myself to work hard, accept no excuses, never be idle, and fear the great unknown of the dreaded times when I have no goal with which to beat my brains. Once a goal is met, another, or another ten must swiftly sweep in and replace it lest seven minutes sans earnest effort cause a lapse in control.

I am now beginning to feel the effects of the hunger on my constitution. More than ample sleep is needed, and slumber can be extended indefinitely once within. Falling asleep is the challenge. Insomnia is the bedfellow of all things restriction. Not only do I remain awake because of the fighting and "flighting" inside my cells, but the constant dialogue my head must keep in order for my behavior to meet her stringent expectations.

I have wonderful plans for this evening, and I sit here wishing I had not made them, firing salvos at my folly for even spending the preliminary funds on the whole thing. my wish is to remain home, entrapped, enslaved, and euphoric. We shall see if I am able to break free from the reigns and enjoy a solitary event that does not even present a food war.

My rituals are increasing. I have a "magic" bowl that is the only bowl from which I will eat at home. The shallow walls allow for less food to seem as more as I pine for more than the paltry rations supplied by my commander. The sound of the fork tines against the bisque walls of the rim offer comfort as the simple serving diminishes, becomes a cue to my body to awaken, and a reminder by my disorder that I should be grateful someone as fat as I is even allowed to eat at all.

As the meal ends, the design revealed is whimsical. Sometimes the pattern seems a nasty chide to my gluttony. Other times the print represents a visual reminder of something with greater levity -- the silliness of all this fasting and wasting.

With my education and career, why in the world would I ever think so little of myself as to let this monster back into my life?

It is a question, to be sure.

It's yesterday once more...

I didn't write at all yesterday. I was doing well until the evening, when I forgot about the new chewing and spitting and simply gorged myself on popcorn and vegetables and fruits until I was going to pop. And then I ate soup with cheese until I had to physically stop. Thing is, I'm thinner today than yesterday.

I worked today, and my coworker asked me point blank if I am starving myself, and proceeded to tell me exactly why she thought that. I denied it, and probably did worse of a job than if I had just said I was not. I went on and on about the foods I was eating. She had brought me a bagel, and I pretended rather badly to eat bits of it, finally giving up and saying I was saving it for tomorrow's breakfast.

Ah well.

I'm out of practise with the whole cover-up bit.